There are times in life that don’t make sense. One night in 2007, I was walking to my car and a man came up behind me, put a gun to my head and said “Get in the car and drive.” 

He made me drive downtown Los Angeles to buy drugs and then to my apartment where he tied me up and raped me. After 16 hours of being held captive, he let me go. 

I thought it was all over. But when I went to the cops, they accused me of lying and tried to get me to drop the case. I refused, but in the end, my attacker only received two years in jail.

Trying to put my shattered life back together, I began writing out my pain in song. I met Sean Pierce Johnson that fall at music school, and we began writing the music that became Cockeyed Optimist.

We started playing bars and clubs with friends from music school and in 2011, we released our first EP “Undocumented”. We went on a few West Coast tours, adding colleges and fairs into the mix, and released our second EP “All That You Were” in 2013.

When 2014 rolled around, we had an idea we couldn’t shake— creating a nonprofit organization to prevent suicide. We launched I Am A Cockeyed Optimist and started playing SoCal high schools. Part lecture part concert, I would tell the students my story and how music helped me heal and gave me hope to live again.

2018 began with releasing “Into The Night” that we planned to turn into a full length album, released as a series of singles. We put out the second single “Manotheistic” and finally got to play a day on Vans Warped Tour. 

Through some ups and a lot of downs, our biggest challenge has always been band members. After Covid derailed what was looking to be a year of touring colleges for the nonprofit, Sean and I realized what we had always known even if we never said it aloud: the band had always been the two of us.

We had no idea what was next, all we knew was that we didn’t want to do the traditional “band thing” anymore. Touring is hard enough, (even harder with poor health and autoimmune disease) dealing with band members who are flaky or don’t share your vision DOESN’T WORK.

Admittedly, we don’t know what WILL work. But we’re going to move forward the way we feel like we should. Being a Cockeyed Optimist means that you’re hopeful and optimistic about the future no matter what it looks like in the present. The idea for RADIO FREE ROCK came to me after Charlie Kirk was assassinated. We’re gonna make the show a focus as well as finally releasing music again!

We don’t know what it will all look like. But we hope you will come along for the journey.

-Cynda Renae